David's Story David is 26 years old and Irish. He worked as a geologist for a few years, but now works in the family business. He is single, and living at home in the Northwest of Ireland. David has tried many different treatments for his SA (including CCBT, NHS CBT, and Seroxat), and while he feels he is still only "30-50%" towards his goals, he has made a number of "huge leaps forward" towards a more fulfilling life. David's successes are inspiring proof of his determination, and as David says, he is "determined and hopeful - which counts for a lot".

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David welcomes enquiries from the media, or from people interested in attending a SA group in Sligo, Ireland. His email address is: davejamsmillar@hotmail.com. How has SA affected your life? I suppose my Social Anxiety really became noticeable when I was in my teens. I felt like the odd one out and different to others and got very anxious around people, even my close friends. Relationships were always a struggle and I often ended up doing things on my own to relieve myself of this unbearable tension. My anxiety really kicked when I turned 16 (in 1994). I went to University in Belfast, where I felt a terrible sense of emptiness take form inside of me; self-consciousness, feeling weird/strange, avoiding people on the street, intense anticipatory anxiety, a general feeling of worthlessness, and a feeling that I was somehow not good enough and that there was no point to my life. I went to Aberdeen Uni in 1998 to do a Masters and my Social Anxiety really intensified. Life became unbearable - I could barely leave my flat, and I felt like I was going insane, and that I had somehow completely detached from the world around me. I used to avoid people completely - I would do things by myself and avoid people on the street. I stopped contacting friends because I thought they all hated me and that they thought I was a weirdo. I felt completely incompetent and very low in myself as a person and was terrified of exposing this to people. I basically suffered from an intense fear of what people thought of me to the point where I would spend days ruminating and worrying about previous social encounters. My lowest point was in the winter of 1998, when severe depression set in. I felt that there was no point to life, no point to myself, and no point to my future. My self-esteem was at an all time low and I didn't know how to turn my life around. I didn't know what I wanted from life, or even if I deserved to have a happy life. I just wanted so desperately to be normal! How did you find help? Where did you look for it? I didn't realise I had Social Anxiety until I surfed the web, found the SAI website, and bought the Thomas Richards tape series in Autumn 2001. You could not describe the feeling that I felt [upon finding out about SA]. I had found that this thing I had actually had a name, and that other people out there seemed to be suffering this dark hell that I was enduring. I tried to tell my family but I don't think they understood exactly what I was going through. I started seeing a CBT therapist in October 2002, as well as working through the tape series. I felt ashamed initially, but actually going to see somebody about my problem felt so liberating and constructive - it really gave me a sense of hope for the future, which was something that I never felt before in my life. I still suffered from the anxiety symptoms, but the key and crucial difference was that I had this overpowering sense of hope that motivated me through every day. This sense of hope was incomprehensibly liberating and uplifting! I worked with a small local agoraphobia group in my area which was really good, and I hope to start a specific CBT therapy group in April 2003. I am presently just working through the SAI tape series and working on my cognitive and behavioral components daily. I am finding the SAI tape series and its daily structured approach (persistency, consistency, repetition...etc) very helpful and am seeing a lot of forward movement. Sadly, the NHS CBT therapist that I visited in my local area didn't hammer this home (the time, effort and motivation you need daily). I have met a few people who have been to this clinic and they seemed to have slipped back into their old bad habits due to the rather lax approach I believe. The thing that is really working for me at present is being disciplined enough to spend 30 minutes to an hour every day working on your cognitive strategies and consistently repeating behavioral exposures that you fear until they subside...not just once or five times. This takes a lot of effort and motivation and time but the results are paying dividends - this is my driving force ... big time! When did you start taking Seroxat, and how has that contributed to your successes? I have also been on Seroxat since I was 20. The drug is good and has really enhanced the quality of my life. My previous therapist believes I was giving the drug too much credit and not giving myself the credit I deserve for the progress that I was making while I was with him. I am only now starting to give myself the credit I deserve. Mentally I feel a bit too dependant and reliant on the drug at times - often thinking that this is my crowning saviour in life. This is not the case. For instance, the drug does tend to diminish your attraction to the opposite sex. Another side effect is the withdrawal symptoms - I tried coming off them when I was 21, and again last February, and I got all sorts of really nasty thoughts and nightmares, as well as extremely agoraphobic. And that was using a gradual approach to coming off them as well. At present my previous therapist has told me to stay on them until the end of the year to give me a boost to my recovery process. Tell us about the progress you have made... What successes have you had? I suffered from debilitating bouts of anticipatory anxiety before ringing friends on the phone or meeting them at their house or in a pub. I also suffered from intense anticipatory anxiety before entering public places, shops, banks, walking on the street, dealing with customers, talking with a person at a checkout, and being the centre of attention. All these things caused my anxiety to go through the roof and I would usually avoid them at all costs and if I did go through with them I often beat myself up viciously for days after. My old way of dealing with this was to avoid these things at all costs at the expense of becoming a very sad and lonely person. But now the CBT has really helped me a lot. Different techniques, like peacefully accepting yourself, understanding your rights as a human being, and turning around the intense negative beliefs/images into more rational ones have all worked well. I used to have a love/hate relationship with my friends - I wanted to hang around with them but I couldn't bear the anxiety that I experienced before, during, and afterwards, caused by my intense fear of exposing my insecurity and thus my worthlessness as a human being. I was in a dreaded vicious circle and always beating myself up. Now my anticipatory anxiety has reduced dramatically, and one of the best gains is that I have noticed that if I do slip up, stutter a bit and expose my insecurity I automatically don't care - where as before I would have beat myself to a bloody pulp. I gave a presentation last week, can go to the pub now, can go out for the day with people (a big no-no before), can express my opinion in a group, and be the centre of attention without feeling too anxious. I am a keen rock climber and also love going clubbing, but always felt these things were becoming less doable in my life due to my intense fear and dread about the social part. Now I feel I am more in control of these social avenues in my life and can ring friends aimlessly to see if they fancy doing either. I feel that there is a lot more definition to my life at present. I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the work that I have done has given me a healthier range of options to my life, rather that just sitting in my house feeling sorry for myself. The fact that I am starting to feel more confident in myself and in how I interact with people has simply put changed my life completely. I have encountered quite a few setbacks, usually when I believe my progress is going well and get a bit lazy. But the great thing about a setback is that it shows me how far I have come and gives my motivation a kick start. I have seen small, steady but very powerful changes in myself, and how I interact with friends and people in general. I am starting to develop intimate relationships (gradually) for the first time in my life. The fact that I have seen these changes happen has given me tremendous hope to keep on going with my CBT and continue to keep facing my fears as often as I can. I will hopefully soon be starting a group therapy in Sligo, Ireland. I am not completely recovered, but I have come a hell of a long way from 5 years ago, and I am determined to keep the successes coming. What do you see for your future, and what advice do you have for others? As for progress in the future, I would like to keep hammering home the good work that I have been doing for myself. I would also like to develop some meaningful relationships with my good friends, and hopefully with a partner at some point in the future. This is something that I have always craved but am starting to learn that it's no big deal, especially now I have started to like myself. I suppose a house, and a well paid job related to my qualification are definitely on my list after that. The best advice that I could give is that if you decide to try a version of CBT, you need to keep working at it daily, stay determined, don't give up, and be persistent - as I have only recently discovered that is how the real progress is made.

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