A journey to confidence - Paul's Story I was always shy at school, I hid away in classes only speaking when I had to and avoiding the spotlight in the classroom. It was different on the football or rugby teams often captaining sides and being a leader in non school activities. The first time my problem showed itself physically was in class when asked to read a passage from Shakespear. I was sitting at the front of the class and felt all eyes on me. I stated to blush, then sweat, then stutter and falter. This made everyone stare and made it worse! The teacher said "Dont you want to read this?" thinking I was deliberately messing around and asked someone else to take over. This experience left me open to ridicule by classmates and made me even more shy, confused and unwilling to participte in any activity.

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It was the same talking to girls, I got embarrassed, blushed, sweated, said something daft and fled. I must have appeared very rude and diffident. At best I appeared painfully shy. All through college I kept out of the limelight and the same when I started work in the Civil Service. I continued like this for 20 years with the problem getting worse and worse until one day I could no longer hide it from others. By now I was a team leader/project manager and had many responsibilities. I was under a lot of pressure and I hated going to meetings always felt sweat on my body but apparently I was good at my job. The pressure grew until at one meeting I found I was sweating profusely on my forehead. I was always very fit but here I was sweating more than from any running I did. It was actualy dripping off my face. Everyone could see this not only was I embarrassed but I was making everyone else uncomfotable to see this. Eventually I mde some excuse and ran. After that I found the same happening in all situations where I was the centre of attention. It would happen in the queue in the supermarket or at the checkout in any shop if there was someone else arround. I had some dreadful experiences in the barbers if anyone was waiting behind for their turn. Meetings at work were horrific and even talking to colleagues left me dripping sweat and making excuses to run away. I couldn't make a phone call at home or at work without sweating profusely. This was without anyone able to hear me at my end. I never made a call when I could be overheard. I was so worried about this happening that I didn't go out at all, I had no social life, my work sufferred. What was wrong with me? No one else had problems like this! I tried explaining to a friend - they didn't understand and said that everyone gets nervous at times. Eventually I went to a doctor (am ordeal in it'self) and he gave me Seroxat. It didn't help and I didn't like the idea of chemicals messing with my brain. I then spent a small fortune on self-help books and tapes plus natural remedies, meditation and visits to a hypnotist. In a couple of years I spent several hundreds of pounds but nothing worked. Each time I tried a different approach I started all enthusiastically but hope always was dashed at the next meeting or shopping expedition. I know we are all different and that differnt strategies will work for different people and eventually I found something that helped, I wont say cured because I believe like a reformed alcoholic a relapse is alway possible, and it was free! It is possible that other approaches may have worked but I just wanted this problem gone immediately as each attack is such a debilitating experience and makes you feel so worthless. Also it is so frustrating as you know how much better life would be without it. And maybe that was the key to it! I'd read about positive affirmations and maybe telling yourself you can do all the things you want helps, but actually visualising yourself succeeding was the key. Actually seeing yourself succeeding, seeing others seeing you succeeding. Imagining how good life would be when the problem was gone. Running these scenarios in your mind gives confidence but how to handle the physical symptons? The answer appeared to be - breathing correctly! Sitting quietly and breathing deeply and slowly, maybe 6-8 times a minute brings a feeling of calmness. I practiced this several times a day. But this still wasn't enough I had to prepare for each situation. At the start of each meeting or joining a queue in a shop I had to remember to control my breathing well before the point the panic usually set in. Also pretending to be a confident person helped. Imagine the other people were seeing a confident person standing before them. And it helped! There were the occasional relapse, maybe I hadn't started my breathing control in time or hadn't prepared by imagining a confident me but now I had a strategy to cope! The nervousness and apprehension are always with me, but now I've got a much better chance of getting through. My last project at work was a very high profile, high pressure task involving many meetings and giving presentations. I succeeded but it was always very difficult. The nights before meetings always brought visions of previous failings but I know I'm better than before and I'm slowly building up a record of successes. I started by saying that maybe I have not been as successful as others because I know I'll never be free of this but I feel I can now mostly cope. Also now I don't have the same pressure on me as I've taken an escape route and taken an early (very) retirement and I do part time outdoor manual work where it doesn't matter if you sweat. Throughout my career I've always had to set aims and targets. I have always aimed to beat this but since discovering recently that I'm not alone in this, another aim is to help others. If my story helps or you would like more detail please contact me at paulsanders@talk21.com.

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