Jonjo's Story It all started when I was about 15. I remember feeling reasonably confident about life and able to talk in front of class without a second thought. Then one day when I started to speak in class I began to shake violently and the seed was sewn. I retreated away from my friends into my room and on my computer frightened by what was happening. My mind from then on would do everything it could to protect me from facing that situation again and that was half the problem.

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I spent sleepless nights hoping the next day I would not be asked to read aloud in class. I knew it was totally irrational and could not make sense of if I was ashamed and couldnt tell anyone. My confidence evaporated. I thought I was going mad. I could not see anyone else having this problem. I found it harder and harder to enjoy life. I was terrified of being close to people. I never dared have a girlfriend. Part of me knew I was a great person to be with. Did I have to be perfect! My anxiety at being "found out" for being scared continued through education and throughout my life. I could not understand why I was terrified of showing any vulnerablity/anxiety and that merely served to exacerbate the problem. I could never fight it. It was later I learned that this was counter productive. I wasted 3 years at university when I should have been living it up and having a great time. Anxious every day that people would notice me or pay attention to me or ask me questions. It may seem far fetched but I remember wishing I had been born without a tongue. I could not sign my name properly in the bank as my hands shook so much. I thought I would try and tackle my SA head on, my life was passing me by as I huddled in a corner. I got a bar job to face my fears that were out of all proprotion. The problem didn't go away. I could hardly pour the first drink of the night without my heart pumping and my hands shaking. Around this time I sought hypnotherapy which was very expensive. I have to say that for me it did not work. Positive thinking was not enough to release me from the trap, it didnt change my responses in the long term. I was so utterly frustrated by the insidious nature of SA. Whenever I thought it might be gone it reared its ugly head. I drank alot to mask the feelings and the fears. I told my family that I had been to the doctors with anxiety, I was so ashamed. My father admitted to me that he had suffered in a similar way when he was young which was a great relief. He died a couple of years later though due to alcohol abuse. I cannot help but feel it was related to his anxiety. I wondered whether this problem was brought about through nature or nurture. In my case both could be responsible. I do not know the answer. I have subsequently taken seroxat and beta blockers. Im still not sure whether seroxat did me any good. It made me a bit too emotionally detached. The best way I can describe it is it was like watching my life on tv, I lost all my feelings. When you are at the bottom though, that is a desirable state of affairs. Im sure many of you will agree on that As Ive got older my symptoms have almost disappeared. I must say though in some situations, particularly in relationships, they come back again. Life is much better these days though. I think the best thing I did was to stop drinking so much, eat better and do exercise. Mountains became mole-hills again and my confidence came back a little. I finally told friends about my problem and met others with the same. When I learnt about this website in 2000 it was such a comfort to know I wasn't alone. People with SA are the most fascinating and thoughtful people you'll meet anyway in my books, but then I would say that. My greatest acheivement came when I was best man for my brother. I did a speech in front of 100 people. I would never have imagined I'd ever do that. I was finally glad I had my tongue! Thanks for reading my ramble. I wish everyone the very best. Jonjo

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